I find it interesting that most of the struggles that I come across and hear from other believers who feel like quitting are around the topic of guilt.  One of the hardest ones to deal with is the thought that God is against me and fearing His judgment.  I often think, "I have sinned far more than I was suppose to and now I'm in for it.  The recourse for my actions is right around the corner.  That happened to me today because God is judging me.  I struggled with this too long, He's given up on me."  In short...there is no way God loves me.

When I believe that, then I believe that God is against me and He is my enemy.  James Fraser said, "Human nature is so formed, that it cannot love any object that is adverse and terrible to it."  This is a mind controlled by guilt, condemnation, and wrath.  God is no longer a refuge and strength, but a terrible menace out to get me and hurt me.  It's Adam and Eve in the garden.  Strangely enough, this mindset is where I set up camp and live.  Why?  Because how in the world would God love me?  No other relationship I have bases my standing by grace.  Every one I have is based on effort for the most part.  There is some grace, yes, but not ALL grace.  You could try to say that some are close, but all fail.  This relationship is admittedly unique.  

Believing simply that God loves me based on something I never saw take place and only read about now is difficult to swallow.  Why does it say that narrow is the road that leads to life and few find it?  Maybe because it is actually hard.  Not only a hard path to get onto, but hard to walk along.  Every day you have to remind yourself that Christ makes a difference.  I am trying to understand the tension between my efforts and God's work.  But in all of it, the key that I am struggling to learn is that God loves me.  If that's not true, then what was the worth of Christ's life and death?  I'll finish this uncompleted entry with a quote to think about.  John Owen wrote, "The greatest sorrow and burden you can lay on the Father, the greatest unkindness you can do to Him is not to believe that He loves you." 

You ever have those times where you ask hypothetical questions to your friends just to see what they'd say?  Remember this one: "If you could lose any sense, which would it be?"  Senses are great things we have and help us in more ways than we probably realize.  How else could you appreciate the furriness of your pet or the warmth of a fire?  Or how about the beauty of a sunset, rainbow, or waterfall?  How about music...period?  Now, I will say that out of all of them, I would probably lose taste because somethings you just wish you didn't have to taste.  No offense to those who prepare such...neat contraptions of edible material.  But even in saying that, I would miss out on all the foods that taste incredible...like pizzi flizzis!

But senses are given not only for enjoyment but also for warning.  How would you know if something was sharp if you didn't have touch?  How would you know something was burning in close proximity if you couldn't smell?  On and on I could give examples, but you get the point.  The other problem though is overuse of your senses can harm them.  If you expose your eyes to too much light...you will become blind.  If you listen to music that is insanely loud...you will become deaf.  If you overuse your hands...you will form calluses. 

In my own life, as of late, I am struggling with the thoughts of being overexposed to the Bible on a daily basis, wherein I have lost the sight of the glory of it and have become deaf to the preaching of it and calloused towards desires for it. 

Desensitization is a real problem, but I think we don't understand what it means to be desensitized to something.  I do no think it means you cease to care, I think it means you do not fully understand.  For instance, playing war video games doesn't really make you desensitized to war, it just distracts you from what war actually involves and the horrors of it.  Desensitizing basically takes place when you view something with less honor, value, admiration, etc. than what it deserves or entails (that's my own definition). 

As I think over the messages that I've heard an innumerable amount of time, it easily becomes difficult to appreciate it.  The reality is that the unexplainable grace of the truth has not diminished, but my view of it has been led astray through deceptions.  For me, the discouragement of unfulfilled hopes tends to mar my view of God   Feeling cheated, I belittle grace in my efforts to squirm from underneath the mighty hand of God because, of course, I know what is best.  Oh, but I show Him!  I may not be able to run, but I can make it hard for Him to work on me.  Yeah...submit my eye!! 

That is when I am desensitized.  My view of God has been deceived, and I view His grace in my life with less worth than it deserves.  Yet, that same grace is what reminds me of His goodness and gently reminds me that I am simply a creature deserving of death. 

It never ceases to amaze me how easily I am led astray thinking that God is not acting in line with His character.  I do not mind going through the times of confusion or disappointment, although I never see them coming, because those are the times that there is such a change that they stick out in my mind. 

George Matheson of Scotland writes about personal despair in his book "Thoughts for Life's Journey."  He writes this:

          "My soul, reject not the place of thy prostration!  It has ever been the robing room for royalty.  Ask the great ones of the past what has been the spot of their prosperity; they will say, 'It was the cold ground on which I once was laying.'"